When the Pro's CAN'T do it better...

Hellcat is "transitioning" at daycare this week. That means she's outgrown the milestones in the room she in now and will be integrated into the next older room. She's been in this new room a couple times at the end of the day when numbers run down and they blend the classes to let a teacher or two go home. So she's familiar with this room already.

In a feeble attempt to 'make the transition as easy as possible', yesterday Eleanor was allowed to spend some time in her new room; then was allowed to go back to her old room. THIS is where the mom and pop'ing began.

When it was circle time in her new room, (which Ellee hates) and time for the chicken dance and ring around the rosie in her old room (which Ellee loves) she quickly turned on the water works at the door and cried "MISS JOOOOOOO! I WANT MISS JO!" and they immediately responded by letting her come back to her old room: she must have been terribly frightened by her new class. riiiiight. Then, when circle time was over in new room, and it was some version of 'sit down and shut up' in the old room, she went BACK to the door and cried "MISSS ASHLEY! I WANT MISS ASHLEY!" AND THEY LET HER BACK IN.

At some point in the morning, she worked herself BACK into her old room. Then, it was lunch time. Her old Classroom has to eat lunch IN their room, and the new room gets to line up and walk down the hall and go to the cafe. Well, that seemed WAY more interesting and this time she just let herself out and jumped in line with her class.

This cycle went on 2 more times before someone's light bulb went off and said "uhm HEY. This little shit is playing us" and by 3:30, after having snack 4 times (instead of twice) and running circles around her teachers, her jig was up. But to her; the whole day was a victory since she got to do whatever the hell she wanted.

Any takers?

Santa at the Springs Preserve

I guess this is what we can expect...

Summer trying to be nice and Hellee looking completely annoyed.  No tears, no trying to climb up Shisher's back... NOTHING.  Is it just me or does Santa look alittle necrotic? Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

Dillusional Jealousy

I thought I would really be missing out since Jason is home with Hellcat for a week long "vacation". Until I got this little snapshot of a hissy fit unfolding before my very eyes..

Looks like things are going really well.

Psychological Warfare vs. the Dogs

Yeah, that's a Disney princess mat in front of the dogs dishes. I thought I was WAY funny when I got this. I enjoy shaming them. Frank's trying to eat out of Pucky's dishes... that's funny. LOOK AT THAT PIG. HE might be Christmas dinner....

This just cracks me up. I love Pucky. He's quite demure... He just wants us out of the house so he can take a nap on my bed. Oh yeah, that's right; I KNOW you've been going up there. I'm not that hairy and Jason doesn't drool that much. AND I know that when I do remember to close the baby gate and keep your ass downstairs; that you CLIMB ON THE COUCH in the living room where you are NOT allowed. How you ask? Uhm, the remote doesn't get wedged between the couch cushions during the day when it was ON the couch when we left in the morning. You're not sneaky. But you are pretty awesome. :)

Gift from the Hubby

I received a special delivery to my office courtesy of my husband. Flowers? Chocolates you ask? ah Nope. A book entitled The Raw Milk Revolution; Behind America's Emerging Battle over Food Rights by David Gumpert. Okay, so we got a good laugh out of that, but I really thought it was just for him and he had it delivered here. Then I thumbed through the first couple pages and found this:

It's autographed to ME. Yes, you are so passionate, Jason. Passionate about Raw Milk. Hope your book keeps you warm tonight. ;)

Not paranoid, Just Hyperaware

Yesterday, I asked the girl at daycare how Baby Elner's day was. She told me she and her little friend Kaylee had a LENGTHY conversation that only those two could understand. She tried several times to interject to see if she could get a clue as to what they were PASSIONATELY talking about. She had no clue; but the conversation ended when Kaylee told Eleanor "Elner; that's NOT nice" and she turned and walked away. My question; what exactly was she plotting? What could be so horrible that another 2 year old had to tell Ellee to "scale it back" a bit? I'll continue to lock her in her room at night and sleep with one eye open, thank you very much.

Our UnHappy Halloween

The crossed arms mean she's serious... serious about not listening and instead will be doing whatever the hell she feels like.

THIS would be the best photo of the night... there's one other one around here somewhere; where she's straining to scream at us... but at least she was acknowledging our presence.

After sitting for 45 minutes in the parking lot also referred to as the off ramp to Las Vegas Boulevard, and several illegal turns later, we made it to Mandalay Bay and wandered through the Shark Reef. They put up scary decorations and float body parts in the piranha tanks. Its cute. Then over to the Bellagio, where Baby Eleanor (as she affectionately calls herself) fell into and crushed the flowers at the Gardens in the Atrium. After fighting drunk stupid kids yelling "VEGAS WHAAHAOOOO" and crazy foreign tourists, we watched the water show and went home.

I'd like to take this moment to give myself proper credit. See, I've been VERY CAREFUL not to yell 'SHUT UP' at those stupid dogs... and the reward is great. I have a sweet little girl that tells me to "be quite" and that I'm boring. But still, be quiet is way better than shut up... right?

If only I would have concentrated more on "son of a bitch"...

Thank Gawd for Mondays

Honestly; this weekend business is for the birds. I got to run Summer all over Allah's green earth this weekend; from one sleepover to the next. THEN there's this thing. She's been getting sick for a week now; and it finally came on full force Friday night. The coughing is horrible and even though she can sleep through it; I cannot. We let her come in bed with us and I got to enjoy feet in my face and I even got punched in the eye and my face scratched too. What bliss.



Such a lady... She's been sick all weekend due to my magical powers. Oh, you didn't know? I can give children bronchitis by letting them eat a dumdum sucker and a 1/2 roll of smarties. That's some power to behold. Just ask my husband. He'll tell you between the tears shed over me filling his daughter with high fructose corn syrup. FILLING.

I enjoy this photo because it looks like she's struggling. Don't judge me.

This is her senior photo pose.

I think she's really had enough of Jason's antics with the camera. Her face shows concern for his sanity and getting pissed off all at the same time. Sidenote; LOOK AT THOSE SLEEPY TURDS IN THE BACK. Those damn dogs are probably trying to recover from this weekend too.

And this one's just showin' off that seksi body...

So... yeah... I LOVE Mondays.

Baby Enner's TURN...

...to get a freakin' haircut. Her baby mullet with bonus rattail down the middle was getting too much for me to deal with. JUST ONCE it'd be nice if someone else could get her decent enough to get out the door... someday. But Thing 1 is 11 and still needs to be told to change her clothes before she leaves the house because my knee high moccasins do not go with every outfit.




But I digress... THIS is where the fun begins...

This is VERY serious business... she quotes Oprah and says "my hair is my crown and glory" and she was very concerned about this lady messing it up. Or she's taking notes on how she's going to cut all her little friends hair at daycare...

So today this was the happy child that climbed into Papa's "no nice" red car and off to daycare she went. WithOUT her signature pigtails... I wonder if her boyfriend will recognize her...

The Gymnastics Nightmare

What a mess. With all the other little girls sitting quietly, among the disciplined children all around, I was struck repeatedly and she ran away screaming "NO. TOUCH." "NOT NICE" and "BABY'S TURN" for all 8 minutes that we lasted in her "class" before removing ourselves voluntarily. I'm positive we would have been bounced out of room within minutes anyway. See, in the "Buddy and Me" class, it seems really imperative that you and your child are "buddies". Ellee and I are NOT. We were not the rest of the night when she went to bed an hour earlier than normal. We were not when I told her to give me a kiss and say ni night and she closed her eyes tight and turned away from me. We were this morning, however, when I sent poor Pucky (Montgomery's newest nickname... not sure if he knows his real one anymore) in her room to wake her. She laughs when his whiskers and sniffing tickles her. All was forgotten... for now. Since we have Alzheimer's and are gluttons for punishment; we might try open gym on Saturday, since all she really wants to do is jump on the trampoline and land in the pit of foam squares. We'll see.

Happy 6th Birthday Poobies!

Take it easy today Puppy. Mama loves you. Yeah, and for those of you keeping track; I DID remember my dog's birthday; not so much on the anniversary. Don't judge.

Missing person

Summer's absence is strong and real around this house... everyone is excited for her to come home next Sunday. Kitty is far too relaxed and Frank is constantly wondering around the house looking for "the one that likes him". Goobies is NOT happy with the current sleeping arrangements...


I hope she realizes the promises she's making.

In other news...

The new shoes were warmly welcomed in the box. Then we tried them on and things went south quick.

Papa tried; but they were IMMEDIATELY tossed over her shoulder behind the couch. Uhmm, we'll be returning those asap.

It's sick

But it's not keeping Hellcat from being incredibly sassy. I get that the steriods could be making her a little crazy (think incredible hulk x 10), but it's the arguments in context that are NOT bronchitis related. Hellee managed to escape watchful eyes (I KNOW she did that on your watch Papa) and used what looked like 15 pink Sharpie highlighters to redesign her slide; then the throw rug; then the couches, being careful not to neglect ANY of the cushions OR the arm chair and ottoman; then the wall; then the giant print on the wall behind the couch.

Since I'm a calm and rational parent, I asked the stupid question "WHO DID THIS?" as I walked around and pointed at my new art deco second living room, and that evil parakeet yelled back "WHO DID THIS! WHO DID THIS!" MOCKING my efforts. I did get a "shorry" out of it; after Papa came over and demanded that she say it. I will own expensive things when the kids are gone and the dogs are dead, because right now that seems like a colossal waste of money.

Dad stayed home with her Tuesday and yesterday; I was home on Wednesday and made it through the second doctor appointment this morning at 9am and Papa is back at home with It. I'm calling it smart to know my limitations. That thing is brutal.

Sorry I forgot our anniversary

uhm, yeah. But you didn't remember either so... we're good right?

When the kids are gone and the dogs are dead...

Anyone who is forced to interact with me on a daily basis nows I say this often; probably too often, but I don't think they REALLY think I mean it. I find myself dreaming about this nearly everytime I have a chance to actually think about what I'm thinking about. Say this morning, when I was throwing the vacuum around trying to chase light dog hair all over my dark brown floors, LOUDING THINKING "When the kids are gone and the dogs are dead I will NOT be doing this at 9am on Saturday morning". Or when writing out $180 check for daycare every Friday morning, or when it takes about 38 minutes to get out of the house to go to Gilcrease Orchards; I could go on and on and on. When the kids are gone and the dogs are dead I'm gonna be LOADED, and my house will be CLEAN and I will come and go on the weekends as I please.

I hope I make it til then.

Waking Summer

My new favorite way of waking up Summer in the morning is to open the FRONT door and knock. She sleeps with Montgomery. He FREAKS OUT over the front door... Nuff said. :)

Gratitude by ommission

My husband pointed out this morning that we NEVER get a 'positive' response from Thing 2. It's only an agreement to what she will tolerate from us at the moment.

For instance; when given the choice between her DC sandals and her Elmo crocks (both which she loves; but again, won't share her emotions) the answer was provided by not getting excited to see or pick one out; it was by batting away the pair she DID NOT want to wear. So with a swoop of her angry paw the Elmos went flying and papa got his 3rd stink-eye flash of the morning. HOW DARE YOU shut off Barney. Balls, man, Balls.

Don't judge

I made a 2 year old hike 2.2 miles this weekend... in my defense; picking her up resulted in high pitched shrills that almost made her father's ears bleed. I refused to be a part of it. I'm just gonna stay back here...



I have no idea what Shishter Summer is doing... a Crab imitation perhaps?

More arguing...note the cautious steps my husband is trying to take and the reckless abandon of Thing 2. I nearly had a heart attack. Since I can do it better...

Now I'm trying to help and failing miserably at it... and being told about it too.

Going super sonic for Papa...

Finally just giving in. She wins; Ellee: 10001010109290329105; mom and papa: ZERO

Sleeping Beauties

We can't help but gather evidence/take photos of Summer sleeping. Mostly since it always seems someone just came up to her and knocked her out. She just passes out in the middle of ANYTHING; a book, her DS, you name it. And when she's out; she's OUT of it. There have been times when we've woke her up on the couch to go upstairs to bed and she'll walk into the kitchen or over to the back door.



THIS was taken just to have proof that Hellcat does infact reboot her system. Sleeping is VERY private to her; we've only been around her falling asleep twice.

These turds. They HATE sharing the couch. (Don't cry, these couches are WELL LOVED; that's what matters, right?) :)

When Frank sleeps he tucks in his feet like a freakin' hamster. And you can get a sense of the sound that comes from him by watching any "Predator" movie... that rattly, snarling, AWFUL sound gets LOUD. We have to turn up the TV and yell at Summer to go shake her dog.

Just gross...We'll keep him though. He's special.

oh soooo sneaky

I'm sitting 3 feet from Thing 2 who THINKS she's totally got me snowed over to the fact that she's elbow deep in a cup of her sister's ice water. Really sneaky when 1) she's SILENT for the first time in 19 months and 2) she keeps turning around and looking over her shoulder at me with a giant "I'm doing wrong" smile on her face. Whatever kid; little do you know I am fully aware of what your doing; I just don't care. Rock on with your cold self.

How did you spend your mothers day, you asked? Well, at 5am the alarm went off so my dear husband could go "fishing". I use the term loosely, since these turds only FEED the fish a putrid anchovy type fish. I guess it was more about boy bonding and getting sunburn in an awesome farmer tan pattern I thought we left in Wisconsin. Guess I was very wrong. THEN; when Thing 2 announced her change of status by laying against her bedroom door and VIOLENTLY KICKING IT at about 7:45am, we got up and get ready for the Springs Preserve. This place ROCKS. It's an ecological park that focuses on desert living and conservation. There's lots of interactive things for the kiddies and it's engaging enough for adults too. Since it's already over 90 degrees by 10am, this place is great with lots of exhibits indoors. Fun for us. So in a moment of delusion; I have the false sense that I CAN control Thing 1, Thing 2 and a stroller. Dumb, I know. Things go well until we get out of the car. Then it's 2 hours of all 3 of us NOT wanting to be anywhere near each other. Unfortunately for Thing 2; she has a harness and can't get away. YES A HARNESS. Don't judge me. Thing 1 NEVER needed one; so naturally Thing 2 does.

This afternoon I was treated to a Circus in my house; and not just the usual sideshow that happens everyday from 5 to 7:30pm. This was my Mother's Day gift from the girls. And even though it took about an hour; and had 3 intermissions, I did get to see all the 'acts' and Summer worked really hard with Ellee. She named all the colors in her book, screamed at Summer for about 4 minutes, walked on her hands while Summer held her feet, pushed Summer and yelled "NO. TOUCH." then they did some flips for me. She's a very good big sister to a very bad little sister.

I quit

I quit fighting and joined the blogging masses... please believe I quit nearly everything I start; so enjoy this while it lasts... or don't.

I'm super smart. How did I get so super smart? I have wonderful teachers in my life. Here are somethings I learned just yesterday; courtesy of the things that occupy my home.

You have to tell a 10 year old girl to NOT wear Tuesday the clothes she wore Monday; but not until you've come home after work on Tuesday and seen that she's already been to school in them... again.

When daycare providers are excited to see you; its never good... Take yesterday for example. When I opened the door to Ellee's classroom both teachers JUMPED UP to talk to me. Apparently, Ellee and her friend Janae enjoy playing in Janae's pee, and more impressively, Ellee's poop. After continuing to explain the lotion-application type movements and one recreated what could be described as the act of applying shampoo to your hair in the shower, showing me brand new white booty shorts that I ripped the tags off of that morning that were now covered in poop, and trying to convince me that it was something they 'could laugh at now'; when I asked Thing 2 to tell her teachers that she was sorry for playing in her poop; she looked up and shouted "SHORY!" "BYE!" dripping with sarcasm with her fat palm up in the air and she was out the door.

When enjoying martinis on the couch and something begins to "hiss" VIOLENTLY LOUD right behind you; know that its your cat saying hi to Frank. Then, when you call Frank's name and the cat sees it as his opportunity to bolt up the stairs; don't bother spending the next 3 minutes yelling at Frank to stop looking in the bathroom for the cat; he's LONG GONE. And when he lays at the bottom of the stairs (which is NOT the couch which is were he ALWAYS lays) and continues to STARE upstairs as he pretends to act like he totally LOVES laying on hard tile. "what; there was a cat down here? really? I had no idea... I was just choosing to lay in this spot that I'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE. Oh that? My back hair ALWAYS stands up like that... yeah, totally normal things over here..."

Even though your intentions are good, albeit selfish; don't bother to make twice as many swedish meatballs thinking you won't have to make dinner on Friday night; since your husband will manage to do all the dishes; clean up the stove; and leave the container of meatballs on the counter overnight for you to find the next morning.

Important lessons I thought I'd pass along.